Cruisin' for a bruisin'

On my ride home the other night, I noticed an unusually high number of police out patrolling both the main roads and the side roads-- which reminded me that it is indeed drunk driving season. I like to keep my posts, but I'm dedicating this one to those that we love and have lost needlessly, or have had their lives adversely affected by someone who, for lack of a better term, fucked up royally.

I've lost two of my great friends to drunk driving accidents.... so this is an issue that hits home more than most others. What I want to know is, why is it that we drive when intoxicated? In keeping with my theme of lists for this week, here is a list of the top ten types of DUI risks... strap on your seatbelt for this one:

#10 - The Lightweight
We all know this type. The lightweight is someone who is easily and heavily affected by any sort of substance, be it drugs or alcohol... be it due to genetics, metabolism, or lack of tolerance-- you've seen this kid at a party having two beers and pissing his pants... or the girl who took one shot and showed the world her goods. They drive home because they're too embarrassed to admit they're wasted after a drink or two. Let them know that they are lightweights, and save the heavy weight of tragedy from their shoulders, and yours.

#9 - The Old Schooler
He was in WWII. He's got purple hearts, drives a Buick, Cadillac, Lincoln or other large American rear wheel drive sedan. He likes golf, football, and the old days when coffee and blowjobs were a penny... for both! This type will most likely avoid bars and parties, but drinks often at VFWs, at home, or at a local restaurant with other old timers. They drink Gin and Tonic, Rob Roys, and Gimlets... lots of them. They come from a time when Marijuana was that Mexican maid that they fathered illegitimate children with, and women couldn't vote. Add some senility into the mix, and these big boats on the road become the USS Constitution. Keep an eye out for these guys around 4 to 9 PM.

#8 - Girls Night
Peach Cosmos, Appletinis, Smirnoff Ice and Bud Light w/ lime. They're at the club without their boyfriends cause they just gotta DANCE. Age 21-30, unmarried, starting their careers. Some fall in the lightweight category, some are responsible smart girls who just don't want to look like a prude around their friends. Saab convertibles, Volkswagen Cabrios, Ford Rangers. Friday night after work or Saturday night after last call... if you hear Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" blasting out of that car going the wrong way, forget about believin', Don't Stop Runnin'!

#7 - Football Dad
Married with multiple children, at the game with his old college roommates or hometown buddies... getting away from domestic life for the day. He starts tailgating at 10, drinking at 11. By the time the game is out, he's 12 deep and has pissed on his leg, and has already Febreezed himself countless times so that wifey won't smell it. Budweiser, Coors, Miller, or Rolling Rock. Drives a Honda Odyssey minivan, Ford Explorer or Nissan Murano. Watch out Sunday nights after 11, especially around Rt. 1 in Foxboro. Don't let the last touchdown become your last touchdown, buddy.

#6 - College Kids
'Nuff said... we've all been there. Weeknights, skipping class the next day, 30 rack in the backseat, and a box of rubbers that are about to expire. These guys go on booze cruises on land, and don't stop till they crash or get arrested. Keystone Light, Busch, Milwaukee's Best... Listening to O.A.R. and Dispatch, driving whatever Mom or Dad handed them down. Toyota Camry and/or Corolla are suspect. Anytime is a risk, just look out for the bumper sticker that proclaims their love for Miller Time. Dumbfuck.

#5 - Foreign Drinkers
Good, hardworking guys who come from another land where traffic laws and alcohol attitudes are different. After a long day at an entry-level gig, who doesn't deserve a few cold ones? Unfortunately, these guys may have not adjusted to our rules of the road-- I don't fault them for that, but, it's a reality. Look out for a landscaping or construction truck, or white van... sometime after 8 PM. Drinks Heineken, Corona or Budweiser. You make our country great, don't ruin your family's opportunity.

#4 - Alcoholic Parents
Kids drive you to drink... this I understand. The issue is, don't put the kids at risk because you're stressed out. You drink at home either while the kids are gone at school or after dinner when they're home. You drink a bottle of wine at dinner for health reasons. Then you pick up your kids at soccer or drop them off for activities, and sometimes drive onto the curb. Nicer cars, BMW 5 series, Toyota Avalon, Nissan Maxima. Out during the daytime... identifiable by magnetic soccer balls and fake "window crashing" baseballs stuck onto their nice cars. Score a goal for everyone, get the neighbor to drive your kids there (their kids are always eating your food anyways, right?).

#3 - Date Night
You went to Top of the Hub with your new interest, and wanted to get some. You wanted to loosen up. She got tipsy... mission accomplished. Unfortunately, to avoid looking like a creep, you drank with her, and won't admit that you're too fucked up to drive. Seriously? Get a hotel room, look like a big spender, and have some pornstar sex. Don't kill her. Drinks anything she likes, drives a car that you can identify by its meticulous detail job done that afternoon. Weekends after 9 PM. Don't strike out that way.

#2 - The Classic Drunk
He can parallel park his car at home after downing a liter of Grey Goose-- fabulous. He's been drunk since your parents were conceived. He keeps the local economy afloat by frequenting the local watering holes daily. He's not a drunk driver, everyone else is... he's just a driver who drinks. Listen up, buddy. You kill more people than everyone except #1. You can parallel park at home because you leave enough space ahead of time you asshole. Get a job or a hobby, and call a cab. Identifiable by multiple dents by all those "asshole drivers" who hit his car allegedly the other night and didn't leave a name. Time is unpredictable.

#1 - High School Party
You're too young to drink but your buddy's sister or brother got it for you cause it's a party this weekend. You have 3 or 4 beers every party but this time you got really hammered. You're not legal to drink so you won't call a cab. You don't have a job so you can't pay for one. You're driving mom and dad's car and they need it back in the AM. You can't stay at the party cause the cops are on their way, and you don't want to be in the paper. You drive drunk to impress your buddies at how fast you can go with your eyes closed. You're scared the whole ride home but do it anyways. Listen, kid. I've been there. You've been there. Most of us have. High School drinking is a rite of passage, and I'm not telling you to not have a few at the party-- go right ahead. Our drinking age is 21 for reasons other than keeping you from having a good time... but it doesn't mean that you can act like these other losers from #10 to #2. You still suck at driving sober, so don't bother. If you don't die, your buddy might, or you might kill someone else... or more likely, get caught and be fucked for a good chunk of your adult life. Seeing your best friend, or anyone your age in a coffin is a fucked up sight, and it really puts your life in perspective. I really hope you never get to see that... and I really hope to never see you on the road like that.

Prom is for sex, not death. So go get laid (wear a condom)... and don't drink and drive.


Peace, love and a happy Memorial Day Weekend.

-GR

Rest In Peace - Rhys and Pablo. Miss you both every day.

How can you tell that a girl was Bob Dole's intern?

By all the scribbles on her back!